Meditating

From my friend Lisa:

If kisses were water, I would give u the sea.
If hugs were leaves, I would give u a tree.
If your love were a planet, I would give u a galaxy,
if friendship were life I would give u mine.

Your love is ur heart, your heart is ur spouse,
your spouse is your future, your future is your destiny,
your destiny is your ambition,
your ambition is your aspiration,your aspiration is your motivation,
your motivation is your belief,your belief is your peace,
your peace is your target.

I'm Not Broken

by me

Don't judge me by the clothes I wear
The length and color of my hair
The car I drive, where I call home
The music on my radio.

Don't think you know me by my walk
When you don't have the time to talk
And try to really know the me
All of those who love me see.

My God is yours, your God is mine
All Gods are one, the Great Divine.
I respect what you believe
And ask you do the same for me.

I don't judge you so don't judge me.
Live your life and let me be.
This is the path in life I've chosen.
So don't try to "fix" me,
Because I'm not broken.

Makua kane (Father)

He always called me "My Darling Daughter." My dad died last Thursday, June 21st and his memorial service was this Tuesday, June 26th at 10:00 am at Our Lady of Las Vegas Church. He will be cremated, in a couple of weeks his wife will be taking his ashes home to Hawaii and the canoes will take his ashes out to sea near his childhood home in Nanakuli.

I didn't grow up knowing my father. In fact it was only after years of looking for him that I finally found him in December of 1994 when my son was 2 years old. All that time he had lived in San Francisco, only about 2 hours from me. The morning we met he was more nervous than I was (of course 2 Bloody Marys really loosened me up) and it was like coming home. I had always felt out of place with my own family and meeting my father brought me full circle, because I could see so much of him in me. Shy and soft-spoken he had an unbelievable way of looking at the good in everything and he lived every day with thankfulness to be alive. After that I saw him only 3 more times but we wrote back and forth often. No matter who was around he always made me feel like I was the center of the universe. When we were together he would hold my hand as if he didn't want to let go and he had an amazing way of making me feel loved and cherished. His letters were filled with love and brought me to tears and reading them now I think of how much he has loved me. He leaves behind 10 children and my brothers and sisters have never been sure he loved them, but I have always known. Before he moved to Vegas a few years ago he told me "No matter whatever happens you are and will always be my daughter" and I have never forgotten that.

It always amazes me how sadness and grief can bring wisdom, strength and hope. From my sister Charmagne: "You always love your source of life and life continually reminds you of how blessed you are to be alive and who made that all possible. I have always loved him, just never understood him. Whatever any of us is experiencing right now, he is the tie that binds us and we need to take it from there."

When our grief has settled we can be thankful that now he is healthy and full of life as he once was. I'd like to believe we are made whole again when we pass from this world to the next.

I once had a dream that my grandfather and my boyfriend, Mark, who died several years ago, were in Heaven in a bar (of course) sharing drinks and laughing. They were both well and healthy and happy. I'd like to think that's where my Dad is right now, sitting at the head of the table enjoying a margarita.

I love my father and am forever thankful for the time I had with him and the enormous love we shared. I will always be My Father's Daughter.